Barbara Heagy – Page 9 – On Living, On Dying, and All In Between

The Power of Telling Our Stories

Last night I attended the ‘Evening of Sharing – The Power of Telling Our Stories’ organized by Lisa Browning, One Thousand Trees Publications. The three speakers inspired me deeply with their unique life stories. They went beyond themselves and shared generously details of their lives from dealing with the death of a loved one, to writing our own stories instead of living through others, and mental illness and depression.

Margaret-Ann Brix shared her children’s story “Grampa’s Butterfly”, Melinda Burns, psychotherapist/writer/poet shared the importance of finding our true selves through writing and journaling, and Clay Williams spoke of his inspirational long distance runs for charity, specifically depression and mood disorders.

I bought Margaret’s book to share with my grandchildren and found her story to be a delightful metaphor on life and death.

Melinda began with a short meditation that focused and centered us. Her lesson was about mindfulness, being our true selves in the present moment. We can learn about ourselves by writing down our thoughts and feelings. She spoke of the difference between thinking, writing, and telling our stories. Writing is that safe space between thinking and telling, where we can record our thoughts and feelings in a safe space with no judgement from others.

Clay encouraged us to sign the Canadian flag that he carries with him when he runs in remembrance of someone we know who suffers with mental illness. “I would be honoured to run in their name,” he said. My signature joined hundreds of others to uplift those in my life that I care and pray for.

Thank you to all three speakers and to Lisa for organizing this special evening. Lisa holds “Evenings of Sharing” every month, each on a different theme. You can check them out at her website www.onethousandtrees.com.

Stormy Weather

I left my home yesterday at 4 p.m. in a torrential downpour, but it stopped and the sky turned blue again, so I continued on to my dinner party two hours away. Whew!!!! It was one of the craziest drives I have ever done. The wind was wild, whipping in gusts that could do serious damage. Four times I had to pull over and stop for screaming sirens from service vehicles passing. In the middle of it all, I thought “Why am I out here? I’m only going to a dinner party.” But, I persevered.

I saw whole huge 30 foot trees snapped in half and power lines leaning in downtown areas, road signs were spinning on their poles, 4 X 4 signs were ripped out of the ground, trees and branches were coming down the whole way, hydro lines were snapping, jumping, and twirling in the wind. I saw a car with its windshield smashed out from a flying tree and thick dust storms roaring across fields.

By the time I made it to my friend’s home in the country, I thought all was good. Their road was the worst. I had to drive around fallen branches and then, just before their driveway, a whole tree lay across the road and blocked my path. A fallen hydro wire was laying parallel to the road and I only saw it because I turned around and then noticed it. I did get to their home but had to go around a country block to get there.

By the time I left at 9 p.m. things had settled down but there were still fallen trees and power blackouts in several areas for the half-hour drive to my daughter’s where I stayed for the night. Crazy!!

I got through it. How? I kept both hands on the wheel, stayed alert to my surroundings, kept a calculated pace, slowing when I needed to, quickening up when it seemed necessary, and I kept to the main and less treeless roads and highways. Lots of luck and a good dose of prayer got me safely to my destination.

It was kind of like navigating the storms of life. We all will face them. All we can do is stay calm, keep thinking, face each moment as it comes and, for the things we can’t control, pray. I wish you well on the storms of your journey. Stay strong.

NOLA Jazz Music and Life Lessons

NOLA Jazz Music and Life Lessons – April 28, 2018

This month I visited the renowned city of New Orleans, the birthplace of jazz music. We stayed close to the French Quarter and had many opportunities every day to hear jazz music in a variety of venues – the street, small pubs, the beautiful Orpheum Theatre, aboard the Steamboat Natchez, and the night clubs of Frenchman Street. I’ve been to several jazz events and festivals in my life but, for some reason, the New Orleans musicians made me see my life differently. The way they related to each other as they played, their culture, their spirit, all spoke to me. It seemed there were some unspoken rules while playing that could be good examples for living a balanced, kind, and joyful life for us all.

Thank you, New Orleans musicians. This is what you taught me.

Live in the moment. Catch the groove and ride it.
Be creative. Look for the magic and let it happen.
Be generous. Offer your best. Give it your all.
Take turns. Share the glory. Give everyone a chance to shine.
Be authentic. Be real. Be you, for you are special.

And, above all,

Have fun.

Life is a celebration. Throw yourself into it and share your joy with others.

20 Pointers for Raising Children (or Were They Raising Me?)

Over a period of six years, I brought three lovely daughters into the world. Like any new mom, I was excited but nervous, unsure of most things, questioning all and fumbling my way along. Is there a sure-fire way to ensure we raise our children well? Probably not. But somehow, in the big muddling mess of raising them, my daughters did grow into strong, independent, loving, contributing women, making their own way in the world. Looking back, these were some of the things I managed to do right.

1. Talk, talk, talk. Listen, listen, listen.

Right from the beginning, (and that includes the baby years, the toddler years, the youngster years, those terrible teen years), I would talk with my children about anything and everything. No topic was off limits. Sometimes I heard things I didn’t want to hear, but at least they knew they could always come to me and share their thoughts and their lives. And that meant receiving what they had to say, judgement-free. Lower those eyebrows, bite your tongue, and stay open-minded.

2. Respect

That little crying baby is crying for a reason. It’s the only way he can tell you how he feels. That little 2-year old with her repeated questions, “Why? Why? Why?” is trying to figure out the world and her place in it. Children are little people, growing and changing, and making their way in the world, just like you and I. Respect each stage of development. It’s who they really are at the moment.

3. Be reasonable. Both of you.

Is it really necessary that your little one eat every single bite of that spinach? No, not every time. Is it really necessary that he get to bed at a reasonable bedtime? Yes, otherwise you have one grumpy kid on your hands the next day. Pick your battles. You don’t have to win them all.

4. Learn the Art of Negotiation

“Mom, can I stay out till midnight?”

“No, I want you home by 10:00.”

“Aw. 11:30?

“9:30.”

“11?”

“9:00.”

“10:30?”

“8:30.”

“Fine. I’ll be home by 10.”

5. “Some” is good enough

“Mom, I don’t want to eat my squash.”

“Okay. You don’t have to eat it all. But I want you to eat two big teaspoons of it. That’s all.”

“There you go. You did one. One left. That’s all.”

“You did it! Good for you.”

Any kid can get through anything if it’s in small enough bites.

And that refers to everything, not just eating your supper.

6. “I will help you.”

A big job that seems overwhelming can be made simpler with helping hands. Teamwork is valued even in our adult world.

7. Play, Laugh, Be Silly

Be a kid yourself. We’re never too old to play.

8. It’s all about the journey.

Life is a process, not a product. Enjoy the process of any activity. Don’t just focus on the final product or goal.

9. Be a good example

It’s not a good idea to tell your teenager that they shouldn’t smoke while you’re standing there with a cigarette in your hand. “Do as I say, not as I do” is probably not the best way to raise your child. Be a good role model, yourself.

Challenge your child. Within reason. (Remember #3)

Push gently. Help only as needed. Guide to correct answers.

Praise the accomplishments no matter how small.

During an Easter Egg Hunt, my little 2-year old was really having a difficult time finding that last egg. While her back was turned I dropped it to eye level. She still missed it. Next time her back was turned I dropped it right out in the open, so she couldn’t miss it. Then we praised her to the hills when she announced, “Yay! I found it!”

Balance. Life is a balancing act.

Mind, body, spirit. Work, play, eat, learn, talk, pray as a family.

Celebrate

Celebrate the small stuff. Be generous in your approach to life.

Birthdays and holidays are important, but so is the last day of school, the dog learned to sit up and “I got a goal!”

I teach you. You teach me.

Recognize that your children can teach you as much as you can teach them. Life is a constant road of discovery. For both of you.

Challenge yourself. Always do your best. Know your limits.

It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to fail.

It’s okay to make mistakes. They lead to what’s right.

Unconditional Love

Be open-minded. Accepting. Non-judgemental.

Unconditional love is yours no matter what you do.

It’s a free and tightly-bound contract between you and I.

“I’ll love you forever.

I’ll like you for always.

As long as I’m living,

My baby you’ll be.”

Robert Munsch

Live large.

“Live well, laugh often, love much.”

Share your wealth and talents with a generous spirit.

Be positive. Live optimistically.
Resilient people are survivors.

Be brave. Have courage. Turn and face the lions. You’ll find they’re not half as scary as you thought they were when you look them in the eye. Roll with the punches. Take baby steps. You will get through this. No matter how bad it seems “This, too, shall pass.”

Detach

Know that we each have our own journey, our own lives to create. I, as your parent, can be there for you, but I am only a cheerleader watching you run your own race.

You are not a reflection of me. You don’t have to please me to feel that you have made it. And, vice versa, I have not failed you, if you fail.

Just remember, I will always love you in spite of whether you win, lose, fail or achieve in life.

It’s not about you. It’s about them.

We all need a place to shine, to find a glory that is our own.

The world is a generous place of opportunity. There is enough to go around for all of us. Give your child opportunities to shine, even if they’re not that good. You never know what they will become.

In conclusion, even when we think our children have fallen away, be strong as a parent, be patient, be there for them whenever the opportunity arises, love them unconditionally. That tattooed, punctured, wild-haired, mouthy teenager will return to the real world and come out the other side sooner or later. Life will continue to teach them even after they have left the nest. Be the rock that they can return to over and over again in their life journeys.

Good luck. Parenting won’t be easy but it sure will be worth it!

10 Rules of Writing

A Facebook page that I belong to, Angel Hope Publishing, with Glynis M. Belec, had us consider an article she posted titled “10 Rules of Writing.” A blog entry by www.litrejections.com listed famous authors’ writing tips in a 10 point list form. It certainly showed the reader what kind of writer each author was and the value they put on their work. Many of them showed a great sense of humour. It really got me thinking about what I would put on my list if I made one. Here’s mine.

10 Rules of Writing

Consider your reading audience.

Always see your writing from the reader’s point-of-view. Your writing has to make sense. You have to feed them the story in an orderly fashion. Don’t assume they know what’s in your head.

Grammar and spelling are important but not always that important.

Consider the purpose of your writing and the audience. Is this just a quick note on social media or is this a published work that will be used for research or sold on a shelf and will be a valued piece of writing?

Write every day.

No matter how little. You learn to write by writing.

Write with spontaneity and flow.

Put your pen or pencil to the paper or your fingers to the keyboard and let that first draft just flow out of you without much conscious thought and little or no editing. There will be time for that later.

Show, don’t tell.

Good writers don’t just say, “She was happy.” They say, “Her lips curved into a slow smile, her eyes crinkled at the corners. A dimple began to form on her cheek.” Write using your senses, use descriptive words and phrases to paint a picture for the reader.

Use an editor before final publication.

A good editor, who gets you, will add rich feedback and a reader’s perspective on your writing. They will hone and refine your work. Your writing will be improved. There are many levels to editing from developmental to copy editing and they all must be covered before publication.

Read, read, read.

You learn from reading other authors’ works. They will inspire you and teach you by example.

Join a Writer’s Group.

Writing is such a solitary activity and you will find other writers will provide you with a living community for feedback, encouragement and ideas.

Input ideas, inspiration and energy every day.

Read a book, surf the Internet for stimulating articles and entries, go for a walk in nature, go sit on a bench and people watch. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you are enjoying it and find it relaxing, stimulating or fun. Julia Cameron “The Artist’s Way” calls these ‘artist dates’ and she recommends one a week. I recommend one a day, but then, hey, I am retired and have much more time. Do it at least once a week.

Market your work by building a strong platform.

Michael Hyatt, author, says to think of yourself as being at the back of a big arena with no microphone. You want to be noticed. But without a platform and a microphone no one will see you or hear you. It’s the same with your book. Talk up your book to everyone, use social media, seek speaking engagements, and get you and your writing out into the public eye.

My Food, My Love

This past weekend, I enjoyed two full days of writing experiences at the University of Guelph’s Writer’s Workshop. Writers, authors and speakers shared a variety of topics of interest to writers and I was able to enjoy five different workshops. I enjoyed ‘Writing and Mindfulness’ with Melinda Burns, ‘Spiritual Memoir’ with Susan Scott and Eufemia Fantetti, and ‘Self-Publishing Your Children’s Book’ with Lisa Browning, Heather Embree and Sherry Lee on Saturday. Sunday I learned about ‘Traditional Publishing vs. Self-Publishing’ led by Robert Pavlis and ended the day with ‘Writing From Where You Are’ with Nikki Everts-Hammond.

They all were of interest but the one I had the most fun with was the final one of the weekend, ‘Writing From Where You Are.’ Nikki had us writing from beginning to end of the three hour workshop on many short, quick, spontaneous prompts. This year I was hoping for more spontaneity and creativity in my writing and Nikki didn’t disappoint. It was a lot of fun and there was some time for sharing the wonderful results with the group.

My favourite piece I wrote was prompted from Nikki’s challenge to write about your relationship to food as though it were another person in your life. We were allowed five minutes to get it all down in one spontaneous swoop. I got to share it with the group and we had a lot of laughs. I hope you enjoy it too.

My Food, My Love

Get over here, you little cutie. You know I love everything about you. How you fit so nicely in my arms and hands. How warm you feel all snuggled up close. I just want to absorb your delicious smell, stroke your smooth shoulders and back, turn you around and let my eyes feast on your colours and shapes.

Then – then, I get to taste your deliciousness – a little bit sweet, a little bit spicy, always yumminess to my taste buds.

I love taking you in with small gobbles. First the lip caress, then the tongue flick, sometimes a big slurp when you are extra delicious. (Which most times you are.) Then, only after that first nibble, do I take a full bite, and a slow chew, and I roll you around on my tongue as my taste buds explode and sparkle like those chunky candies that go bang in your mouth.

But you don’t always taste that good. Sometimes you surprise me. You show up looking one way and tasting another. Like, you might be all yummy and creamy looking on the outside but the taste of you bites back when I put you in my mouth.

But, I have to admit – those days are few. Most days you are just my little cutie. And I love you.

Nikki Everts-Hammond, of Scripted Images, offers workshops in ‘Writing Your Life’ and ‘Writing Your Memoir.’ She can be contacted by emailing her at nikki@scripted-images.com or phoning her at 519-400-3528.

Sign-up for this popular series of workshops at University of Guelph happens in January and classes fill up quickly as these quality workshops are all offered for free in early March. More information is at #ugwriters. I’ll remind you next year of the upcoming date as it approaches. It’s fun and informative. I’m going to be going back again.

My Snow Angel

I want to say a big “Thank You” to a neighbour who helped me out yesterday with snow clearing. I had completed all that I had wanted to do but I still had that wall of snow sitting at the end of the driveway blocking my access to the road. You know that horrible stuff that is full of road dirt, salt and mud, and is more ice blocks than snow.

I was struggling. I had to chop it out and then heave heavy blocks of snow and ice up onto the snow bank, making sure it didn’t topple back onto the sidewalk or the road. A young man approached me from the other side of the road. He said, “I couldn’t walk by and watch you struggling without helping. Let me finish the job for you.”

I was flabbergasted and relieved. My regular snow clearing guy of eight years is unable to do it this year and I have been worrying about how I was going to handle clearing a six car driveway for the rest of the winter. It’s made even more difficult because the driveway is long and narrow and the only place snow can be piled up is at either end of the driveway and it must be heaved up over a raised wall at the front.

I ran in the house and brought him out a coffee. The job took him ten minutes. For me, it would have been a half-hour or more with frequent rests between shovelfuls. I offered him money but he wouldn’t take it. I told him my story and how I was still looking for someone to help me clear my driveway for the rest of the winter. He offered to help me out until the end of March.

It turns out he is a mature student, gone back to school to get a social work degree. He has four children of his own and hopes to work with children some day. He’s going to help me keep just the end of the driveway clear, enough for two cars, until school is over. He lives just down the street and walks by my house every day. “Just leave the shovels out for me at the back of the house, and I will clear your driveway when I go by as it is needed. It won’t take me more than half and hour.” For that, I will pay him the fee I would have paid my regular snow guy. I will insist.

Thank you, Chris, my Snow Angel. Thank you for your kindness.

Friends and Christmas Memories

This week a group of friends, all working and/or retired teachers, celebrated our Christmas pot luck dinner. I drove almost two hours one way to see them, as I do every month, but I love this group of friends and am willing to do it. We always go to Anne and Bobby’s log cabin home set back off a country road, surrounded by forest and fields. Years ago, they built this beautiful log home mostly by themselves; they dug their own well and set themselves up to be as self-sufficient as possible. They have a deep sense of stewardship for the earth and live as simply as possible. Their home is cozy and warm and I always feel welcome.

The group, as a whole, is creative and fun. We always go for a hike before dinner, enjoy our meal and then often play board games or share photos and conversations of recent trips or events. This month we had a celebrative Christmas party.

I arrived a little late and found Bobby putting the finishing touches on a Christmas tree set up in the corner. I complimented him on his choice, assuming that he had cut down one of the many trees on his property. He invited me to come take a closer look. I was amazed! He had found a dead maple tree trunk, put it in a pot and using fresh spruce boughs and a drill and ingenuity, inserted the live boughs to create a truly beautiful little Christmas tree.

“Would you call this a fake live tree or a live fake tree?” he laughed.

We always pick a theme for our dinner. This month, because it was Christmas, we all made ‘ginger’ dishes. There was carrot ginger soup, cheese and ginger mini sandwiches, ginger flavoured cheese, a stirfry with ginger sauce and rice, ginger and cabbage salad, ginger molasses cookies, chocolate covered candied ginger, and a lemon grass/ginger bubbling beverage.

After dinner we constructed a gingerbread house that turned into a gingerbread stable when one of the walls collapsed. We had lots of laughter and fun as each of us contributed to the Christmas creche we spontaneously created with two gingerbread figures for Mary and Joseph. A bright candy wrapper became a swaddling blanket for the baby Jesus, a tiny toy figurine Anne found that looked more like a tiny alien than a baby, and we stuck him into a gingerbread molasses cookie cradle. A plastic toy giraffe became the ‘donkey’ that carried Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem. Lyn, with a huge amount of patience, finished off the final touches to the gingerbread stable with candies and chocolate.

We exchanged gifts and cards: Moraine had a friendship bracelet for each of us, brought back from her recent trip to Guatemala; Lyn had hand-made soaps and toothpaste she had made at a local workshop; I handed out my own photo Christmas cards and Anne and Bobby gave us each a copy of their annual “Egbert Courier” newsletter.

Kathy brought a Christmas trivia game and we had fun asking each other questions and trying to come up with the correct answers as a group. Many of the questions had to do with Christmas carols and each time one came up, we would stop the game and sing a Christmas song together with Anne playing piano and Bobby his violin.

At the end of the night, we dimmed the lights, and with musical accompaniment and two part harmony, we sang “Silent Night” in unison. With lots of hugs and kisses, we said our goodbyes and wished each other a Merry Christmas.

For me, this was a memorable evening that I will treasure for years to come. It was the simple things that counted the most: good friendships, a tasty meal, music, hand-made gifts, and lots of laughter and spontaneity.

Merry Christmas to all. I pray that you too will have a memory-filled, happy holiday season.

Life is Eternal, Love is Immortal

Yesterday my Snack ‘n Chat group that meets weekly had one of our potluck lunches. One of the women has been recently widowed after forty-seven years of marriage and she told us a beautiful story about the loss of her wedding ring in a local store shortly after her husband’s death and its miraculous recovery.

For two weeks after the loss of the ring, she returned to that store over and over again, asking in different departments and areas of the store if it had been found. No one had seen it.

Again this week, she asked a young clerk if the ring happened to be under the cash area on a shelf perhaps. It wasn’t. My friend moved on to do more shopping and the young girl went to talk to one of her friends in the store. The next thing my friend heard was her name being called over the P.A. system. She was to return to the same counter again.

“Now, I don’t want to get your hopes up,” the young girl said. “We have found a wedding ring. It may not be yours. Security is bringing it to us.”

They all watched with anticipation as a uniformed guard approached. He stood before them and pulled out a clear plastic bag from his pocket. Inside was the wedding ring!

My friend was overjoyed and broke out in loud squeals and a mixture of tears and laughter. The clerks and guard all joined her causing a joyful ruckus that could be heard throughout the store.

Where had the ring been all this time? No one was sure but my friend’s persistence and prayers paid off.

We each shared stories that day about miraculous events after the loss of a loved one. One woman felt her deceased husband had visited her in the night leaving a kiss on her lips. Another spoke of a knock at a door, and her deceased father entered the room, fully clothed, in the flesh. She felt he had returned so she could say a final goodbye to him. I shared my story of a medium’s message of eternal love and gratitude from my beloved Tom.

I found it quite amazing that four women had four stories about miraculous events after the loss of a loved one. We tend to not talk of these things in our society. I believe there are more stories out there. It appears that our loved ones do go on and can send us signs and symbols from eternity. Love lives on.

The Still Point of the Turning World

This week Wendy Roman, of Rhythmwood Dance Studio, asked her Facebook readers what the phrase “Effortless Effort” means to them through dance. Another reader and dancer, Laine Magidsohn, suggested it be called “Dynamic Ease.” I like both phrases. Both phrases speak of finding that balance between active participation and passive release.

I think ‘Effortless Effort’ and ‘Dynamic Ease’, are both phrases of just stepping aside for a moment to connect with life’s energy force. Letting it flow within, embodying it, giving it room to become one with me and then moving forward together. I don’t just step aside and let it take me over. We work together, side-by-side, internally as one. One body, one flow of energy.

When I was getting my MA in Dance at York University, my thesis centered on finding the relationship between creativity and spirituality. I held a day long workshop of movement and dance, journaling and oral sharing. Later in evaluations of the experience, two of the participants spoke of finding ‘stillness’ in the ‘movement’ while they danced. A paradox. After the event, one of the participants gave me a beautiful hand-made calligraphy copy of an excerpt of T. S. Eliot’s “Four Quartets – Burnt Norton.” For her, his poem spoke of finding “The Still Point of the Turning World” and acted as a metaphor for her experience.

From T. S. Eliot’s “Four Quartets – Burnt Norton”:

“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;

Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,

But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,

Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,

Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,

There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”

Finding that balance of stillness and movement is a form of active release. It means standing still for a moment, breathing, centering myself, becoming deeply aware of all that is around me so that I can connect with the movement of life and its energy and begin to move as one with it. It’s becoming as T. S. Eliot calls ‘The Still Point’ so that I become the axis around which my world turns. I am integral to its being. I support it, as I become the stillness from which the movement circulates. The world rotates around me, life happens, but I am always centered and strong, actively a part of it, and deeply aware of the bonded process. It’s finding “The Still Point of the Turning World” within myself.